QUESTION

I have a tough one. My friend of 15 years has helped me through many hard times in my life.

I was living with her, which was a bad idea. When we lived together, we spent so much time together that I saw behind the curtains. She is a very generous and fun friend, but I noticed she was steamrolling me in many ways, making decisions for me and not giving me a way out. It was her way or the highway. 

I felt guilty for her generosity and overwhelmed by the weight of her friendship.

I went overseas for a month or so and while I was away I realized how much it wasn't working between us. So I told her I would be moving out to move in with my boyfriend, something she told me before I left for my trip was 'too soon'. There was a lot of other life stuff going on for her at that time, it didn't go down very well. 

When I got back we tried to reconcile our friendship, I tried to explain that I needed boundaries. She didn't seem to catch it and now over a year later, our friendship is in a very strange place. 

I'm wondering what I can do to continue our friendship more naturally. I don't expect to be best friends again. I would like it to be more normal than before. I know that she is probably hurt by the way I treated her and has her guard up, but I don't want to give up on a friend that I still love so much.

Thanks a lot, 

Linda

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ANSWER

Hi Linda,

Friendships, even very good ones, often change over time as people grow and have different life experiences. 

You are probably a different person now than when you were besties with this friend. And because you appreciated her generosity and enjoyed her company, you may have been more tolerant of her dominating personality than you would be today.

Most people with domineering personalities don’t have insight into how they come across to others. Even though you asked to reset the “boundaries” of the friendship, she likely had a hard time understanding precisely what you meant unless you were very explicit with examples.  

Also, your friend may have felt “dumped” because the decision to end the roommate situation was one-sided and she may not have seen it coming. 

Since time has elapsed, it wouldn’t be worthwhile to go back and undo all that has happened between you in the past. 

However, if you miss this friendship, there’s nothing wrong with telling your friend that you hope you can be friends again, and that you never intended to hurt her feelings. Ask to get together for a meal or activity and see how she responds.

It’s possible that while you are a different person today, her personality hasn’t changed all that much,  so be vigilant that you don’t feel “steamrolled” again and can rekindle this friendship on terms that feel mutually satisfying.

There’s no need to apologize or make excuses. Remember, you have every right to your opinions and feelings. If you let her know how much you value the friendship and how much you care about her while being firm but also kind, chances are she will come around to understand your needs, too. 

In friendship,

Sheryl & Irene

Have you ever felt conflicted about ending a friendship?

Chances are you have. The end of a friendship can feel loaded with feelings of loss, hurt, and even guilt. You may feel betrayed or blindsided, or you may feel like you’ve failed to live up to your expectations of what it means to be a friend. 

But a friendship, like any deep personal connection, often has shared experiences and feelings of trust that can extend way beyond the friendship, per se. 

What we mean is this: The longer and the closer the friendship, the deeper the ties and connections go, and sometimes, there is more to lose. For instance:

If two mothers are friends, their children are likely to be friendly with one another. Dissolution of the mothers’ friendship can have a profound effect on the friendship of their children as well. 

• Will they still feel comfortable having playdates? Will you? 

• How will you feel when you run into your ex-friend in the neighborhood, a PTA meeting, or the soccer field?

If you break off with a work friend, it can make every day uncomfortable. 

• Will you lose her support on work matters, or might she say something, out of anger or hurt, to damage your reputation?  

• If she is  in a supervisory role, will it pose a threat to your position?  

• Will you feel uncomfortable if you’re assigned to work on the same project team, or each time you pass her in the hallway? 

• Will other colleagues, when they notice something is different, ask questions, or feel awkward? 

Ending a friendship is not so simple, we know. A knee-jerk reaction becomes a lot tougher once you begin to weigh the pros and cons and the unintended consequences, or fallouts, of your decision.

There are exceptions, of course: We realize that some friendships just need to end, and the possible fallout might be well worth getting rid of the angst or unpleasantness the friendship is causing.

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Once you decide to end a friendship, it’s always prudent to do everything you can to mitigate the damage:

• Leave gracefully without harsh words or recrimination. Treat your ex-friend with respect… simply because she once was your friend, after all..

• Let her down easily by distancing yourself gradually. Perhaps you can cut back on your time together from once a day to once a week, or you can downgrade a close friendship to a more casual one.

• Try to make it easier for the people around you by communicating what's happening, if appropriate, without going into details.

In a perfect world, every friendship would be flawless and forever; sustainable and smooth. But that’s not always the case.

And as for breaking up with a friend? There’s no one-size-fits-all advice, since no two friendships are the same,  nor are the circumstances surrounding that breakup. 

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Because it’s a new year, there are lots of articles lending an abundance of advice for inspiration, do-overs, assessments, and doing-better. 

Even if you don’t make New Year’s resolutions (#guilty)...it’s hard to totally ignore the plethora of advice.  

One particular article that caught our eye was a recent piece in The New York Times. which was Day 4 of their 6-day “Energy Challenge.” The idea behind it: We all have things that sap us, as well as things that invigorate us, and it is these things that have the power to make us sad, agitated or depressed OR energized, happy and fulfilled. 

It’s good to take stock of what these things are; after all, without knowing your triggers, it’s tough to feel in control of your life and your destiny. These things affect more than friendship: they’re also about eating nutritious snacks and meals, getting enough movement in your life, knowing when it’s time to take a break to recharge (and allowing yourself the break), and engaging in fun and inspiring hobbies.

Good friends (you know who they are) are one of life’s pleasures and blessings. But bad friends —-those who are needy, unsupportive, unreliable, selfish, one-sided, competitive, judgmental, jealous or stubborn—those are the ones who sap your energy. The Times article by Jancee Dunn calls them “energy vampires.”

Just as good friends have the power to contribute to your overall health and enrich your life by reducing stress, encouraging positive behavior, and buffering us from the negative effects of loneliness, “vampire friends” can hurt your health. Stressful friendships, found a UCLA study, can lead to increased inflammation throughout your body, which can, over time, lead to chronic ills like diabetes, heart disease, and cancer.

What to do with a hungry, thirsty vampire? You may feel that the friendship is not worth the trouble, and that’s okay. Not all friendships, even good ones, last forever. 

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Some draining relationships are hard to give up but there are strategies you can use to make them more tolerable. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Think about your friend’s positive attributes and what attracted you to them.

2. Cut back on the amount of time you spend together. See them in small doses.

3. Spend time in a more casual way, or rearrange your friendship so that you have less one-on-one time.

4. Try altering your expectations, recognizing that no one is perfect.

5. Consider a time-out. Sometimes breathing room can reinvigorate a withering friendship.

6. Be clear about your limits.

January is a great time to assess your friendships and take steps to make them life-affirming and more mutually satisfying.

QUESTION 

Help! I’m stuck!

Is there a good way to amicably pull back (way back) from a relationship with a neighbor without permanently damaging the relationship? 

Here’s the situation: 

Our neighbors are a sweet family from another country. The girls “adopted” us as honorary grandparents two years ago, something we readily agreed to. We have no kids of our own. 

We love these neighbors and naturally don’t want to offend them. Yet, I am worn down by all this and clearly need some serious space! 

The mother’s parents are no longer living. She has taken to calling me “mom,” which I should have stopped from the beginning. 

Now, quite honestly, I’m sick of it. I’m drained from the constant text messages she sends if she doesn’t hear back from me right away. Even her teenage daughter started checking in with me. 

I tried to put a stop to this by acting like I was receiving too many texts from people in general and could only respond once a day. Twenty-four hours went by and they began sending texts saying that they missed me. 

When I checked in two days later, I made my text short and sweet. They responded: “Oh, we miss you sooooo much Mom! It feels like it’s been a really long time!” Good grief, it had only been a couple of days.

The mother obsessively texts greetings every morning and night with “likes” and “loves” texts in between. She also alerts me whenever she is going somewhere on her days off. I have yet to understand why she feels a need to do that. 

They don’t seem to understand my need for space. And they don’t take any kind of hints when I try to pull back! 

I know I’m going to have to bring myself to have a heart-to-heart and ask her to call me by my given name. I’m rather tired of them calling me mom. 

Other than my husband, I have no family of my own. Maybe they think they are filling a hole because I don’t have close-knit relationships with friends and family.

I grew up differently in a very dysfunctional blended family, and pretty much kept to myself, enjoying my solitude. I do need and want friendships/relationships but this is so over the top.

Compared to other mean or standoffish neighbors, these people are good as gold but I feel smothered. They are sweet and fragile, and I desperately don’t want to hurt their feelings. 

Would you advise me to just be direct and not worry so much about how it will be accepted?

Sincerely,

Marcia

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ANSWER

Dear Marcia,

Isn’t it nice to be adored? But to feel smothered…that’s adoration taken to an extreme. 

We get it. From your note, we sense your frustration is at the breaking point. Yes, you need to take some action and set boundaries with these neighbors to change this situation.

Don’t blame yourself for being too nice or letting it go on for too long. Seemingly, it felt good at the time, and there’s no way you could have suspected it would go this far. There’s no sense in going back; we suspect you’ll be far more cautious in the future.

You need to be honest and direct but at the same time, you need to be kind. You do like your neighbor, and want to stay on good terms with her without hurting her unnecessarily.

We suggest that you get together and have a heart to heart with your neighbor (the mother of the two girls). Tell her you appreciate being friends but that you weren’t brought up in the same way as she and her family.

Explain that you need more downtime for yourself and don’t like to constantly be texting. Try to be unambiguous about the amount and type of communication that would feel comfortable and “right” for you. 

Would you want to suggest that you catch up at the end of every week (by phone or by text) unless there is an emergency?

It’s less important that the family refrain from calling you “mom” or “grandma,” because what’s really annoying you is the intensity of these relationships. 

Assure her that you’re very fond of her and her daughters and that this has more to do with you than it does with them. Tell her you hope that she can also find a good way to explain this to her daughters.

We realize this will be a tough conversation but in the long run, it will be an easier path than feeling resentful and put-upon as you do now. At the same time, it will help to preserve a friendship and spare hurt feelings.

Hope this is helpful.

In friendship,

Irene & Sheryl

JANE’S SAGA

I have a good friend whom I met through a long-ago job that I see every few months for lunch or dinner. She likes to drink more than I do, but I often agree to split a bottle of wine with her due to her coaxing me to join her.  We have great conversations and laughs.

About 5 years ago we started doing occasional dinners out with the husbands. The differences in the two couples’ eating styles were soon obvious. My husband and I like to share dishes; she doesn’t eat meat and her husband loves meat, so they both order separate dishes with her invariably taking half of hers home for lunch the next day. Interesting, but not a problem.

Alcohol became the problem. Following a cocktail at the beginning of the night—usually Prosecco for my husband, myself and her, a  top-drawer whiskey for her husband, my friend would order a bottle of wine “for the table.” But really, it was just for the three of us, since her husband, Joe, would continue on with his whiskies through the course of the meal. Between the cost of the bottle of wine she chose and her husband’s multiple whiskeys, I remember that the first bill that we split with them was startlingly expensive for a night out. And then it happened again and again.

Eventually, I thought, “Why don’t we do separate checks for the two couples, like I often do with other friends?” That way I could order the wine that I liked by the glass and not worry about how much Joe was drinking. I mentioned it to my husband, who agreed it sounded like a good way to go (although later he said he was nervous about it).

When we sat down at a restaurant table with them the next time, I brightly said something about my new policy of asking for separate checks, if they didn’t mind. Well, you would have thought I started WWIII. My friend frowned and said, “Why? Why would you want to do that? What’s changed?” I wished I could have said right from the get-go, “It’s because we’re tired of paying for your husband’s expensive drinks habit.”

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But I wavered in the face of her outrage. Instead, I muttered something about, “This way we can order what we want and it doesn’t matter.” She quizzed me about what I wanted to order that would matter so much. Then said, “What will we do about sharing? How does that get split?” I guess she was thinking about the red wine. I could have said, “Well, we might not all want your wine every time.” But I didn’t.

Then, “Why do you want to make extra work for the waiter?” and “I’ve never heard of this kind of thing between friends. Why are you doing this now?” Both of the husbands sat there silently.

The grilling went on for a while. I finally weaseled out of it by saying, “Oh, never mind. It was just something I thought made sense.” 

But I still thought I was right—what was the big deal with each couple paying their own way? It just seemed good sense to me and I just couldn’t see why she was acting so insulted.

Later, my husband and I decided that if we wanted to continue dining out with these two, we just had to accept we’d come home with much heftier bills than we liked. And that’s what happened the next few times we dined with them, although during that time the pandemic also happened, so more of our visits took place at each other’s homes rather than restaurants. (Sad to say, we didn’t serve whiskey to Joe since we didn’t have any at our house.)

Then on July 26, 2023, the New York Times Social Q’s column ran a Q&A on a similar topic: very expensive drinks at restaurant dinners when one couple doesn’t drink—how to split? I copied the numerous remarks from non-enabler commenters who wrote things like:

• “I’m not sure how separate checks became ‘embarrassing’ or even unusual.”

• “There are absolutely people in the world who find ways to get others to subsidize their expensive dining habits.”

• “With friends like these who needs enemies.” “People who give into people like this are conflict-averse.” (Guilty.) 

Many people said if separate bills were out of the question for some reason, you should grab the bill when it comes and figure out what you owe, and just say, “We’ll be paying $XXX.” I had trouble imagining this assertive payment system with my friends.

It was quite eye-opening, however, to learn I hadn’t been alone with this dilemma, and in fact, most people thought separate checks were fine. But it was also behind us now; I’d capitulated.

Then a few weeks ago, years after the original contretemps, I stayed with my friend for a few nights while her husband was out of town. On the walk back to her place, after we went out to dinner (even split) and a comedy show that my friend had picked out, I paid her back for getting my ticket. She said something like, “See this is how it should be—splitting the costs.” And I said, without thinking, “Sure. Because we’re both doing the same thing and it’s easy to split, right?” And lo and behold the whole crazy conversation started up again.

She soon was saying, “Doing it your way, with separate checks is just not what friends do. Keeping track of who spent more is way too penny-counting. When you go out you always should just split things. I’ve never heard of anyone doing it another way. You are our only friends who have ever wanted separate checks.”

I said, “It’s just dinner I was talking about, not counting every penny in life. If two couples say at the outset of a meal to a waiter, ‘We’d like separate checks’ and it’s a problem, he could easily say, ‘That’s too big of a problem. We don’t do that here.’ And then we wouldn’t do it. But it is done all the time. They are VERY used to it. Friends groups and business colleagues ask for separate checks, for all sorts of reasons.”

So there it was. The moment of truth. I said slowly, “Well, when you and I go out we have similar meals and drinks. When we go out with Joe, he orders numerous expensive whiskies and we don’t. It’s a big expense to have to pay for.”

She replied, “Well, I think it’s wrong to be such a penny pincher. Think of the times you’ve spent the weekend at our summer place—we don’t hand you a check at the end for all the food and drink, and trust me it’s not inexpensive to host.”

Wow, this was going from bad to worse, and bleeding into a whole other topic. Now somehow my husband and I, who come to their house with food and bottles of wine, had become the moochers in this conversation.

Then she said, “Never mind. We don’t do this with anybody else, nobody’s ever asked for this, but from now on we can have separate checks when we go out.”

I said, “As you know, I right away stopped bringing up the two couples covering their own costs because you got so upset. I still think it’s a good idea, but we’ve decided that with you and Joe we’ll just keep splitting checks. It’s not worth all the agita.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “From now on we’ll ask for separate checks at the outset.”

I took a deep breath and said, “Well, okay, if that’s what you want.” (ha!)

I am an enabler and also an excellent represser, so the way I choose to view this whole episode is that she and I talked it out, we agreed to disagree, but in the end it appears that my request for separate checks, albeit years later, now makes sense to her. 

But I do wonder if the four of us will ever go out for drinks and dinner again! And if we don’t, maybe that’s for the best.

Questions for Friendship Rules Readers to Ponder:

We would love to hear your opinions, too!

• What are your thoughts about check splitting?

• How have you handled situations like this one?

• Could Jane have handled this differently?

• Why did the friend react so defensively?

• At this point, can anything be done to ease the tension between the friends?

• Do you think that the impact on the friendship is irreparable?

Laura Kaufman, a professional dancer, met Carol, her “bestie,” at a dance class. 

It’s not unusual to make new friends when you see the same people week after week. You even have the opportunity to see if they are friend-worthy before you make the leap.

But what was exceptional about this particular friendship was the age difference between the two women: Laura is 32 years old and Carol is 84.

When they first met, you might say that the two friends “clicked.” They recognized that they both shared a passion for dancing and life, and the 52-year age difference instantly faded into the background.

Unfortunately, we all tend to seek out friends who look, act and talk like us. But openness to intergenerational friendships (and other differences) expands the potential pool of possibilities for those seeking new friends.  

The beauty of intergenerational friendships

A recent CBS Saturday morning TV segment that shared Laura and Carol’s story reported that 37% of individuals surveyed by AARP had a close friend who was at least 15 years older or 15 years younger.

What accounts for these May-December friendships? Like the one between Laura and Carol, intergenerational friendships can be immensely satisfying. 

Our own experience with intergenerational friendships

Sheryl: 

I’ve always had friends of all ages, both older and younger than me. (I realize not everyone is open to this; unfortunately I’ve encountered people whose attitude toward anyone older than them is close to condescending. But there is great value to be had in these types of friendships.) 

I had a very dear friend for many years until her passing a few years ago. She was the same age as my own mother; yet we had an intense friendship that defied our 25-year age difference. I never felt a gap of years between us: We shared similar interests, had similar sensibilities and enjoyed our times together. I was extremely fortunate to have her in my life, and I know she felt the same. We never discussed our age difference; instead, we silently soaked in how it enriched our bond.

Irene:

One of the most important people in my life was my friend, Rita. I was an awkward 11-year-old when I became a monitor in her kindergarten classroom. Several years later, she became a professor of education at a university. At first, she was a mentor and role model; in later years, I saw her as a friend and the years between us disappeared. 

As she blazed her way through the various phases of womanhood, I depended on her wisdom to ease the bumps for me. She passed away several years ago but still remains one of the most influential persons in my life.

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What we’ve learned

A younger person can bring energy and new ideas to a friendship so the older person is able to see the world through a different, more refreshing, and perhaps less jaded, set of eyes. 

Conversely, older people often have more time for friendships and tend to place more value on their importance. They might even find satisfaction in helping a younger friend in practical ways (e.g., with babysitting or other tasks.)

As mentors, older people bring a wealth of experience to a friendship. Having gone through different stages of life, their experiences may foreshadow the life challenges of a younger person. For instance, an older person can provide insights to a younger friend struggling with a serious illness, career woes, marital conflict or a parenting problem.

We are never too old to get in touch with our younger selves, an unknown author once said so  well:

"I asked an elderly woman once what it was like to be old and to know that the majority of her life was now behind her. She told me that she has been the same age her entire life. She said the voice inside of her head had never aged. She has always just been the same girl. Her mother's daughter. She had always wondered when she would grow up and be an old woman.

She said she watched her body age and her faculties dull but the person she is inside never got tired. She never aged. She never changed.

Finding friends

How can you develop intergenerational friendships? Essentially, the same way you nurture any friendship.

An element of “chemistry” is essential: Two people need to find it easy to communicate and be with each other. 

But the formation of friendships tend to be organic so there needs to be an opportunity to meet on common ground. It’s always easier to make friends with people who are in the same place, at the same time, doing similar things (e.g. in school, at work, etc.) 

Intergenerational friendships blossom when people share interests and/or common experiences. For example, they might be in the same book club, go to the same gym, live in the same neighborhood, or belong to the same civic or hobby group. 

If you haven’t “tried on” a May-December female friendship with someone older or younger than yourself, give it a chance. No matter which side of the equation you are on, you’re bound to reap the unique gratifications of these friendships.

QUESTION

I’m an expat living with my husband in Italy. We’ve been blessed with a lovely group of friends from all nationalities who often include us in parties, with invitations to special events and frequent meet-ups.

Of course, we are closer to some than to others. As the seasons change, many of us are limited in space for larger gatherings. Some friends live in the countryside and have outdoor areas for entertaining, but we live in a town with a small footprint. 

Last year, for American Thanksgiving, we rented a house in the countryside while having our house renovated, and I was able to host a gathering for 30+ people.  However, this year, we are back in our house in town with limited space.

I thought long and hard about hosting Thanksgiving this year but decided to do it on a smaller scale and could only seat 20. Besides, many of the people have not invited my husband and me to gatherings in the last six months (or in one case, ever). 

My birthday was a couple of months ago, and to include everyone, we hosted cocktail hour at a favorite cocktail bar (45+ people), but it wasn't inexpensive. I can't do that all the time.

As it turns out, those not invited this year learned of the gathering through the grapevine and are hurt they were not invited.

I feel there must be a point where invitations have to be cut off. One can't include everyone at every event.

Is there any way to gracefully entertain without hurting people's feelings when you can't include everyone? I'd love your insight.

Signed,

Jennifer

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ANSWER

Hi Jennifer,

How fortunate you are to have made so many friends in Italy! You sound like someone who is good at making new friends, a skill many people would envy.

It was definitely unreasonable for those who weren’t invited NOT to understand that logistical considerations (space, financial, etc.) can be limiting when people entertain.

You can't raise the issue since those who felt hurt haven’t told you so directly. However, if you do see them at a gathering, you can certainly tell them that since you moved from your rental, space limitations have cut down on the volume of entertaining you are able to do. 

You can tell them you’d love to get together with them on an individual basis or when other people are hosting a large group. They are sure to understand that not everyone has the space to entertain, and by showing your intention to get together, they’ll realize they were not excluded for any other reason.

We are sorry we can’t think of a more elegant solution; hope this is helpful!  

In friendship,

Irene & Sheryl

Friendship Rule

Not every friend can be invited to every party. If they are true friends, they’ll understand that.

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QUESTION

I’m in my late 20s, and the older I get, the harder it is for me to keep deep, meaningful female friendships. We’re moving to different states, pairing off romantically, and growing in different directions.

I have three very close female friendships whom I treasure but they aren’t connected; they are friends from different sectors of my life. So I feel like I’m lacking a “friend group.” A side note: I also don’t have enough deep friendships, in general.

It bothers me that most people my age seem to have a “group.” I’ve been in friend groups in the past but found that I couldn’t connect as deeply to each friend in the group. So I prefer one on one time. 

I know this sounds like a hard question to answer, but what’s the average number of close female friendships that women my age have? Or any thoughts you have on how friendships change as you get older.

Thanks very much,
Jan

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ANSWER

Dear Jane:

What a great letter! You raised so many thought-provoking questions. 

Because we’re both quite a bit older than you, we can confidently say from experience that as you go through life, it is extremely common for friendships to change. They are rarely stable, but more fluid,  due to changing circumstances like moving, romantic partners, growing, and changing. 

Friends come and go, many times depending on where you are in your life. For example, when you have children, you tend to bond with your child’s friend’s mothers; other friendships develop in your workplace. But what happens once your children are grown or you change jobs? Many times the friends you made disappear along with these changes.

Most of us (but not all) fall into one of two groups: those who have a connected circle of friends and those who wish they did!

Some women have the good fortune of having groups of friends who have a shared history—based on where they were, where they lived, or what they did together. But many of us don’t.

A spate of books and TV shows might be partly to blame for your feelings of “missing out” or that there is something “wrong” with your situation. 

While it isn’t impossible to forge a sisterhood later in life, it’s generally easier to do as a teenager or young adult because you’re likely to have more time and to be thrown together in similar circumstances—whether it’s the same team, sorority, or neighborhood. As we marry or divorce, move, or graduate and our lives diverge, it becomes tougher to sustain circles of friends.

But even in a circle of friends, there are usually twosomes (dyads or pairs) who seem to have more in common, either temperamentally or situationally. Thus, each woman doesn’t have precisely the same relationship with each member of the circle. 

In terms of your question about numbers, it’s not unusual for people to have many more acquaintances than they do close friends. So it’s not surprising that deep and meaningful friendships are the most coveted and difficult to achieve. 

Just like a romance, most women say that at their start, there is a certain essential chemistry that provides the foundation for best friendships. Then, as two women feel increasingly comfortable together, they are able to become more intimate and reveal their true selves to one another.

While there is wide variability, most surveys suggest that women typically have 2 to 5 very close or best friends. What’s more important than quantity, however, is quality and whether or not you feel like you have enough of the right type of friends for you. If you feel like something’s missing, perhaps it is.

Our best,
Irene & Sheryl

QUESTION

I’ve been having difficulty making new friends because I’ve had emotional problems in the past. I never know how and when to disclose them.

I've tried two basic approaches: One is the "early hook," focusing on making a good first impression. 

What I mean is that upon meeting someone, I act relaxed and outgoing. I push aside my history, my daily anxieties, and so on because I don't want to turn the person off and risk losing the friendship. I focus on them and try not to reveal too much about myself.

When I feel ready to let the friendship grow closer, I let them know about all the psychological problems I have, including social anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, eating problems, and panic symptoms. All these problems affect me every day and nobody can truly be close to me without being aware of them.

Often it comes as a shock to the friend who recalls me being so pleasant when we first met and then accuses me of having changed so much. They sometimes leave, unable to deal with me further. It hurts, making me think: Why didn't I just decide to keep all my problems under wraps?

The second approach, which I use more often, is to try and unload everything right away. Instead of being deceptive, I'm upfront. For example, I tell them that no, I did NOT have a good day; in fact, my day was terrible, and if they want to know why I'll go ahead and explain the symptoms.

They will know from the get-go that they are befriending someone who has been through many years of therapy and medication for problems that began over a decade ago, without complete healing ever having taken place.

The new friend may start off with feelings of heroism and want to console me until they realize that nothing they can do is capable of changing my situation. They lose patience when my problems don’t resolve as easily as theirs do, and wind up resenting me for not adapting.

Neither approach seems to work. Is there something else I can do? Or maybe could the problem be the types of friends I choose?

Tom

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ANSWER

Dear Tom,

You've identified two possible options for disclosing information about yourself to new friends. Perhaps, though, an approach somewhere between those two extremes might be worth a try.

Whether someone has emotional problems or not, it's usually better to disclose them slowly, allowing for give and take between you and your new friend, before you share TMI (too much information). This gives you a chance to size up the person. Then, based on the person---and their openness and acceptance of you---you can gradually share more.

In Schizophrenia for Dummies, Irene mentions some red flags that might make someone hesitant about disclosing a mental or emotional disorder to someone.

Keep in mind that not everyone is necessarily able to accept, understand, or feel comfortable dealing with another person’s emotional problems. They may have their own to deal with and feel overwhelmed by yours. Or they may be unequipped to give you the emotional support you seek. 

Before you confide too much too soon, here are some things to consider:

• Has the person previously shown a lack of sensitivity to you or to other people with emotional problems?

• Do they ask probing or invasive questions that make you feel uncomfortable?

• Do they have loose lips and seem to delight in gossip?

• Could they be dealing with their own problems and have no energy for yours?

In an ideal world, new friends would be open and sensitive to hearing about someone else's emotional problems. Unfortunately, as you have experienced, there is still stigma, misunderstanding, and intolerance of people who are less than perfect or who appear to be overly needy.

If you feel tentative about disclosing your history or current problems to a new friend, wait until you feel more confident. It may simply be a matter of timing. Similarly, hold off on sharing too many details too soon. 

Finding the right words to explain emotional problems can be very challenging, so you will probably want to rehearse them mentally before you break the news.

Of course, once you disclose, make sure that your discussions don't focus exclusively on your problems. The other person has signed up to be a friend, not a therapist. And it’s more than likely that they, too, are dealing with their own “stuff.” 

While in no way are we suggesting that you narrow the scope of your friendships, you might also want to seek out friends in support groups where everyone participates with the specific intent of sharing problems; that will provide you with another outlet to discuss yours.

You seem to have achieved quite a bit of insight into your problems so those ten years of therapy must have helped ☺!

Thanks for your candor and for asking such a good question. We are sure it will be useful to others.

In friendship,
Irene & Sheryl

QUESTION

I’ve been trying to figure out why I don’t have any friends. But I can’t help but think that maybe it’s because I have a very “different” life. 

I’m 50 and had a baby two years ago. My husband and I have been married for over twenty years. Late to the game, you could say, but not for lack of trying.

But here’s my problem: I can’t make one friend.

Even before I had a child, I only socialized with my husband. I get along great at work, but I’m kind of a loner there. For instance, at lunchtime, I feel socially inadequate; sometimes it feels like I’m still in high school.

Basically, I’m too tired to have anyone over to my house - it’s a  mess. Between working and commuting and trying to keep my son happy, things are busy. Despite that, I’m very happy with where I am in my life.

But I can’t help but worry that I can’t make friends - the same goes for my husband. I don’t see my neighbors; it’s not that kind of neighborhood. Everyone is busy with their own lives. 

We joke that that’s just the way it is, yet I’m concerned that my son won’t see any positive examples of friendships.

Do you have any suggestions about how I might be able to find or make friends? I feel that it’s possible that being an older mom puts off other (younger) mothers.

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ANSWER

It’s understandable that you might feel out of sync with other moms who are likely much younger than you. Yet the fact is that increasingly, women are having children at older ages. It’s possible that if you look hard enough, you’ll probably find moms of all ages at school and on the playground.

Friendships “click” because two people find they have things in common—even though they may also have many differences. Although someone may be chronologically younger than you, the common experience of raising a first child may be a more important connection, one that can bridge age discrepancies if there is an ease of communication between both of you.

Realistically, this has to very busy time for you as you juggle motherhood and your career. We suspect you don’t have much free time right now, but if you’re truly anxious to make new friendships, you must set aside time to work at it.

Some things you might want to think about: 

Do you belong to any groups or organizations where you might meet other women? Even joining a gym that you attend regularly can get you out of the house, and put you out among other women who might be friend-worthy. Perhaps you can arrange for your husband to watch your son one or two evenings each week so you can enjoy some “me” time.

Do you have any special hobbies, talents, or interests that you would like to pursue? You could check whether the focus of any existing Meetup.com groups in your community resonates with your interests. You might even start a group of “Late Life Moms.”

You’re  right that it’s important to develop a support network around you - especially before you need one. You didn’t explain why you have had long-standing problems making friends,  but if this is a problem that has persisted over time, you may want to speak to a counselor to gain insight into the barriers standing in your way.

Hope this is helpful.

In friendship,

Irene and Sheryl

QUESTION 

Hi, 

I feel so pressured to attend my daughter’s mother-in-law’s Thanksgiving party, which I’ve been doing for the last seven years. My daughter has given up trying to host it herself. 

My son-in-law insists I go with him and my daughter to keep the peace. But at what cost? The family is nice enough  but overly religious and somewhat intolerant of other religions and t differensexual preferences. I feel like they live in a world that existed two centuries ago and I live in the present but realize there is no use arguing with them. 

After telling them over and over that my dog can’t eat chocolate sweets or anything from the floor, the father-in-law dropped all his medications. The dog ate one. Fortunately, it was a vitamin. This year I won’t bring the dog.

There is a lot of tension because these parents don’t understand boundaries and meddle in their son’s affairs. My daughter had a big battle with them seven years ago. His mother wanted 400 guests at the wedding at her parish 200 miles away, at our expense.

We were happy to pay for my daughter’s wedding but not all her mother’s guests. Anyway, they didn’t give up without a fight. Finally, they gave in but pretty much took over the wedding planning and arrangements. 

Since we now share grandchildren, I want to remain civil and friendly without getting upset. This year we plan to attend the Thanksgiving dinner but only for a short time (we are leaving the dog elsewhere and have to return to feed her, so the time will be limited).  

We plan on staying away from deep conversations about anything that could be a problem and yet, I‘m still stressed out by having to attend. I’m wondering why.

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ANSWER

You answered your own question, which is something that happens so often when people take the time to write a carefully composed note about a dilemma. So, as we see it, you’re already on your way to your solution!

It’s tough to ignore the obvious: You don’t particularly like your in-laws or share their values. And you wouldn’t choose them as friends—but you do share children and grandchildren with them. Understandably, you are wise enough to know that you don’t want to make things any more difficult than it has to be for your daughter and her husband.

These all seem like compelling reasons to sit at the same table on Thanksgiving for a few hours a year and share some good food.

Setting time limits for your visit - gotta go, the dog needs us! - is a great idea. So is avoiding conversational topics, such as religion, politics, sexuality, and finances. We all know those topics can be polarizing and pave the way angst and arguing.

With this in mind, hopefully, the experience will be a little less stressful.

We also suggest you focus on your grandchildren; after all, they are the reason you are there. Showering them with love and attention has an amazing ability to make you feel like you don’t have a care in the world. And children, with all their innocence and goodness, can wipe out even the most evil amongst us.

The icing on the cake (or pecan pie)? You don’t have to cook or do dishes.

Hope it’s better than you expect!

In friendship,

Irene & Sheryl

A side note:

In January 2020, Merriam-Webster added the term “Friendsgiving” to the dictionary. 

Here is the M-W definition: Friendsgiving is a blend of friend and Thanksgiving, and it refers to a large meal eaten with friends either on or near Thanksgiving.

For many of us, friends are the family we choose. Hoping you find yourself at a table with those you love!

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Question

Six years ago my friend of 35 years and her husband purchased a second home in Florida. She has a large family and many friends who frequent her new place and keep her occupied. 

She’s a kind and generous religious woman and keeps busy with church and mentoring, and helping out with the business she and her husband own. 

I have always known her to be a "princess." She is the youngest of five sisters who dote on her. She is married to a wonderful man and is a stepmother and grandmother. I am happy for her. 

I, too, have had an amazing life until the past few years. That’s when I lost my parents and our business failed. Our dreams for retirement have been dashed. Our only son battles alcoholism. (Thankfully, we are close, and he is seeking help)

My friend has always been supportive, but I am a private person, and while she knows more than anyone, she doesn't know everything. 

We discussed my visiting her two weeks ago and couldn't get our schedules aligned. We both felt the other was not flexible. When we spoke, she told me she felt she had been doing all the giving in our friendship for a long time. I had noticed a decrease in her cards and gifts (she loves to give) but assumed it was because she was busy. 

I recently celebrated a birthday and heard nothing from her. This is a first in our relationship.

I do not feel I am in the wrong and take offense to her feeling she does it all. I sit back and watch everyone going well for her, everyone doing for her, etc., and don’t see it reciprocated. She really does believe she does it all.

I’m not interested in trying to convince her otherwise, but I need to convey to her that I am a different person: a woman who feels lost without her beloved parents, a parent scared for her son, and a wife watching her stressed-out husband trying to keep his head above water.

What I know for certain is that she really cannot relate to my pain. Do I accept that our friendship is on a different plane and move on? I am concerned she could not accept my honesty and sugarcoating things will frustrate me. Thank you.

Signed,

Disappointed Friend

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ANSWER

Dear DF,

Your life has certainly taken a turn, and we’re so sorry you are going through these difficulties.

Your frustrations and hurt are understandable. Your once-close friend is growing distant; not there for you when you need her, and feeling like she is somewhat “put upon.” 

That’s certainly a tough thing to deal with at any time, but especially now when you’re feeling so vulnerable and suffering so many losses. And to make matters worse, when you compare your life to hers, it feels one down. 

One thing to think about is this: Is her life really what it seems? You paint a “perfect” picture of it. A doting family, a person who is so giving to others, one who hasn’t a care in the world.

It’s important to remember that things are not always what they seem/appear to be. Everyone has their issues, but not everyone puts them out there for all to see. As you stated, your friend doesn’t know everything about you - so it’s possible the opposite is true - and you may not know everything about her.

Even a “charmed” life has some hidden scratches. 

That sentiment aside, it might help to reach out to her and tell her that you really need her right now. You did say she doesn’t know everything about your life. Might she act and feel differently if she knew more about what is happening in your life right now? Explain that you’re facing several major problems and losses simultaneously and need her friendship now more than ever.

The test of a true friendship is when you go through bad times and need someone to lean on. If she is a true friend she will be there for you. Even if her life is easier, she should still have room for empathy. 

If she feels “put upon” or tells you she is too busy to deal with your problems, you must question whether the friendship is worth keeping. Given that you have been friends for so long, it seems worthwhile to make the extra effort to find out.

In friendship,

Irene & Sheryl

Question

I’m feeling very conflicted about a friendship I have with a neighbor whom I met one day when I was playing outside with my children. 

She moved here with her husband. They are childless but would love to have children. They have no family here but do have some friends. She doesn’t work. 

I immediately became friendly with her because I knew she was here from another country and looking for people to connect with. I had previously made friends with other people in the same situation.

At first, I’d invite her to come to the park with my children and me or invite her over to my house. She also invited us to her house. Things were fine for a while until I started to feel like she was getting too close with my children. She would hug, kiss, and tickle them to the extent that I started to feel very uncomfortable.

We keep in touch via email, and she frequently closes the email with, “Love you and your kids.” I started to back away, but with much guilt, because I didn’t think she meant any harm and I know she loves children. But I felt it was just too much too soon for my comfort level.

The problem is, since setting boundaries with her, I feel extremely guilty about it and find myself frequently feeling obligated to keep in contact with her and invite her over. She still contacts me and wants to meet me when I have free time.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel rejected, especially because she is from a foreign country and doesn’t have family or many friends here.

Any suggestions? 

Thank you! Maggie

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Answer

Hi Maggie,

It can be so hard to deal with situations like these, and your confusion is understandable. 

What could be making it more difficult to figure out is that your neighbor is from another country. Is it possible that there are cultural differences between you in terms of what you both deem as appropriate physical contact between children and unrelated adults? Or maybe she is simply overzealous around children.  

Whatever the reason, your first responsibility must be to your family, and you need to trust your intuition. If there was anything that made you feel uncomfortable about her contact with your children, it’s a good idea to pay attention to those instincts.

Depending on your child's age, you may also want to initiate a generic discussion about inappropriate touching.

It sounds like you’ve already backed off to an email-only relationship. In retrospect, if you wanted to maintain a friendship, you might have explicitly told your neighbor you were uncomfortable with her physical contact with your children.

Since you have decided that this neighborly relationship is more of a burden than a true friendship—and you don’t want to hurt her feelings—you can let her know that your life is busy right now with your kids and other family responsibilities. 

If you want to keep it more comfortable and still want to be neighborly, you can ask her to meet occasionally for a cup of coffee at times when the kids are in school or being taken care of by your husband.

Hope this helps.

In friendship,

Irene & Sheryl

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QUESTION

I have a hot and cold friendship with someone I met a couple of years ago during my second year as a university student. It feels like an ambivalent friendship.

She is an overly empathetic person, an emotional sponge who soaks in the moods of people around her. As an emotional person, I understand her feelings and read her like a book. That’s probably why we are friends.

She always says I’m her real friend even though she is a social butterfly. I think she feels a special emotional connection with me.

As time has passed, however, I’ve noticed she acts increasingly annoyed with me. She told me that right to my face. She admitted that this pattern of being hot and cold with friends is something that has happened before. She alludes to some traumatic event in her past that she hasn’t shared with me. And somehow, now she is cold to me.

She said she knows that she is at fault—and it’s not her friends. I realized that although she has a lot of friends, she doesn’t have close ones. Once a friendship starts to go deeper, she tends to push it away like she is now doing to me. 

Honestly, I feel really attached to her, because she reminds me of how I once was. I don’t feel like I can abandon her because I know she really craves a close emotional bond with a friend. 

But I’m questioning if I should keep this hot and cold friendship and if so, how can I cope with it?

Signed,

Dora

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ANSWER

You said that your friend has experienced some trauma in her past and this may be one of the reasons why she is unable to forge close and trusting relationships with friends. 

If this is the case and she has had a pattern of her friendships running hot and cold, she would probably benefit from speaking to a mental health professional. Unfortunately, friends—even very good ones who are well-intended—can’t be therapists and analyze or solve long-standing emotional problems.

In terms of the viability of your friendship, you have now known this friend for a couple of years and sort of know what to expect from her, which is unpredictability and disappointment.

Close friendships need to be reciprocal. If friendships are to be intimate in terms of sharing trust and emotions, they can’t be one-sided or unpredictable.

It sounds like you desperately want to have a close friendship with your hot and cold friend but we aren’t sure you can count on her for that. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on her for closeness and she just can’t deliver. She may be satisfied with more casual friendships.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with a hot and cold friendship:

• Ambivalent friendships can be very stressful and unsatisfying. You don’t have to end the friendship, per se, but for your own sake, you can change it. 

• Back off a bit. Remain friends but lower your expectations of closeness so you aren’t disappointed. You might still see each other and pursue shared interests you both enjoy. 

• Be kind and supportive, and explain why you’re stepping back. Avoid blaming your friend for disappointing you. She’s probably doing the best she can. 

• At the same time, nurture friendships with people who are ready and able to be close. But bear in mind that intimate friendships aren’t instantaneous. It always takes time for a casual friendship to develop into a close one.

Hope this helps.

In friendship,
Irene & Sheryl

Question

Our friend group consists of five women in our 40s. We all have kids. Three of us are married, and two are divorced. We live in the same neighborhood in similarly styled homes and get together at least once a month. We try to fit it in weekend get-togethers when our single moms are available.

The problem is when we plan these gatherings one of the single/divorced friends never takes her turn to either initiate something or host us at her house. Instead, I basically have to sequester my family to the top floor of our home so I can host my friends, while her house regularly sits empty 50% of the time.

The rest of us are perplexed and growing frustrated that we are always hosting and she shows up expecting to always be the guest, rarely bringing wine or anything for the hostess except her thirst for whatever we’re serving. 

We like Meg and do enjoy her company but she is not contributing much to this social circle. Should we ask her directly about this or just stop inviting her? 

Signed,

Confused Claudia

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Answer

How fortunate you are to have a nice group of friends who live nearby and enjoy each other’s company.

Not knowing Meg, we can only venture to  guess why she never plays host: 

1) Could she be embarrassed of her home? Perhaps, it isn’t as “put together” as others. 

2). Some people do not feel comfortable having others in their homes; maybe she feels insecure or anxious as a hostess.

3) She could be short on funds and not really able to afford hosting one of these get-togethers. (That could explain her coming empty-handed to your gatherings.)

4) Or she might feel that others have taken on the responsibility because they enjoy hosting, and not even be aware that she’s letting someone else down. Being a single/divorced mom has its challenges. It’s possible that she feels overwhelmed by her day-to-day responsibilities and feels like others are better able to take on the task.

Since you all enjoy her company and she enjoys yours, why leave her out of the group? (Ask yourself how you’d feel if you saw her around the neighborhood afterward…it could be very awkward.) 

If it bothers you that she is shirking her responsibilities while you are sequestering your family, perhaps consider sharing your feelings (in private) and ask her if she could host next time so your family can have the house to themselves. 

One thing that could make her more amenable would be if you all offered to bring drinks and food to lift the burden off for her. Actually, it might not be a bad idea going forward to ask each guest to bring something, and make it more of a “potluck” than a job for one person.

Hope this helps.

In friendship, Irene & Sheryl

Question

A neighbor whom I considered a friend abruptly ditched me. 

We were walking buddies for a couple of months, and we’d always meet in the morning. We also did things besides walking which she always initiated. She also texted me more than I did her, even though she told me she really liked her space, so I tried to respect that. 

She’s an introvert, and I’m an extrovert, but she made a great effort to keep a conversation going the whole time we walked. 

Her back started hurting recently, and that’s when I got the text “I’m gonna take a break from walking for a few weeks.” Then she texted, “And from socializing.”

I asked her if she was going to walk even though her back hurt because I thought she might want to continue walking but only at a slower pace. 

As it turns out, she’s still walking. I also asked her if I did something wrong, and she replied “I think you have your boundaries blurred.”

This has been a struggle to get over as she was my motivation to walk. How can I take my mind off her?

Signed,

Layla

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ANSWER

Hi Layla,

It’s hard to get over the loss of a friendship with a neighbor because you are reminded of the loss each time you see her or her home. Making matters more difficult, you don’t really know why she suddenly ditched you.

You were perfectly right to ask if you did something wrong, although her response was obtuse and didn’t really offer an explanation.

Although it’s hard, try not to take this personally. It sounds like this is more about her than about you. 

You mentioned that your neighbor is an introvert. As many introverts prefer their own company to the company of others, this might be the case with your (former) walking partner. A lot of people use walking time to listen to books, podcasts, music, or just be alone with their thoughts. Perhaps she’d rather have this time to herself. Another possibility is that she might feel like walking with you forces conversation, resulting in her feeling pressured to reveal things she’d rather not. She very well might prefer ambling to gabbing.

Don’t compound the loss of a friend with the loss of motivation to walk. Continue to walk by yourself or see if you can find another walking partner. Sometimes, there are neighborhood walking groups on Facebook or Meetup.

Although this friendship was convenient; it doesn’t sound like an intimate one. But we understand your feelings, as it does take time to get over a friendship, especially when the decision to end it has been one-sided. 

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QUESTION

I pride myself on being a loyal, good friend. However, I don’t know how to handle myself in the company of people that my close friends consider their “enemies.”

I feel uncomfortable socializing with someone who has offended or no longer speaks to a close friend of mine. Often, these “enemies” of my friends are people I know and like, and I don’t really have any reason to not like them.

Yet, if my friend sees me talking to one of these people at a party or hears I have been with that person in a group situation, I can tell they feel hurt and betrayed by me. I have at least eight to ten people I consider my close friends… so where should I draw the line?

Everyone has a little drama with someone, and if I avoided all of my friends’ enemies, I would be walking on eggshells wherever I went! These enemies include ex-husbands and boyfriends. Is it disloyal to say hello to them?

The list goes on and on. Where do you draw the line of being disloyal to a friend’s enemy? Do we fight our friend’s battles?

Signed,  

Caroline

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ANSWER

Hi Caroline,

This brings to mind  that old adage, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

But it’s not quite that way here, is it? Rather, you’re asking: “Is the enemy of my friend also my enemy?”

We certainly like to stand by our friends, but all these circumstances have to be exhausting for you to keep track of who it’s okay for you to associate with and who is “forbidden.”

Each of the situations you described sounds pretty innocent to us. There is no blanket answer to your question. Rather, what constitutes loyalty and appropriate behavior depends on a number of factors:

1) The reason your friend sees the other person as an enemy

If something extreme or very heinous was done to your friend, you could understand how he/she might feel hurt to think you would befriend the “enemy.” For example, if the other person threatened your friend, he/she might feel like you should have nothing to do with that person.

2) The timing of the “rift”

If your friend just got divorced from her husband, you could predict that it might still be raw and hurtful to think you were maintaining a close relationship with her ex. If they have been divorced for a decade, you would hope your friend would have moved on.

3) The context of getting together with the “enemy”

Having a date or private tete-a-tete with an “enemy” (and doing it in secret) is very different than innocently bumping into that person in a social situation—for example, at a party or wedding, such as the situation you described.

4) The nature of your interaction

If you discuss your friend’s personal business with the enemy or reveal confidences, it’s natural 

that this would be seen as disloyal. But greeting someone and asking about mutual friends is simply being courteous.

Although someone is your friend’s enemy, that doesn’t make the individual your enemy—-with the caveats being one or more of the factors described above.

It is surprising that you run into this problem so often. Perhaps your friends are overly sensitive or they are misreading your intent. If the latter is the case, and you are close friends, you should explain that your relationship with their “enemy” doesn’t negate the close bond you share with them.

In friendship,

Irene & Sheryl

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When my son was a child, I often volunteered to help at his small parochial school. I supervised Valentine's Day parties, carpooled for field trips, wiped sticky cafeteria tables, and baked countless batches of cookies and cupcakes for fundraisers. In the process, I formed some warm and lasting friendships with the other volunteer moms. Except for one.

There was one mom who just didn't like me -- a mom who had a knack for making me feel like a social outcast from Mean Girls. Even when I tried to extend my hand in friendship, she was as chilly as the Eskimo Pies we handed out to the third graders on Ice Cream Day. Had I known what I'd done to offend her, I would have apologized. Whatever it was, my transgression remains a mystery.

Even if you’ve never been a homeroom mom, you know exactly I mean. You’ve probably got your own social nemesis.

The woman who doesn’t like you might be the tetchy neighbor who criticizes your perennial beds or the paint color you chose for the front door.  She might be the toxic relative who snubs you at family barbecues. Or maybe she’s the competitive co-worker who can’t bring herself to pay a compliment on your new haircut or congratulate you on a hard-won promotion.

No matter what you say or do, you’ll never win these people over. Even when you’re as sweet as key lime pie, they’ll refuse to sit at the table of your friendship. Sue Patton Thoele, calls them “the black holes” in our personal universe.

Thoele is the author of a book of essays I keep at my bedside, The Woman’s Book of Soul: Meditations for Courage, Independence & Spirit (Conari Press). In one of the essays, Thoele recalls an awkward time when she wasn’t hitting it off with two women in her own social circle.

“The energy I put out to these women was merely absorbed as if it had disappeared into a black hole and none came back to me,” she explains. A psychotherapist, Thoele understood that the qualities we find annoying in others are often the same ones we unconsciously dislike in ourselves. But in this case, it wasn't even that complicated. The cold-shouldered women in the author's circle were simply lousy candidates for her friendship.

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When I was a lot younger, I'd spend months trying to figure out why some relationships fly while others can’t seem to get off the ground. I struggled to understand why a simple case of envy can boil over until it scalds and destroys what could have become a mutually supportive friendship.

And I’m still in awe of the fact that most men, like my husband, rarely waste time wondering why some people don’t like them. They shake hands and move on. But many women I know tend to lose sleep devising ways to appease or impress folks who needn’t count so much. Some of us work twice as hard to avoid conflict and maintain the status quo, often at our own expense.

I realize now that healthy relationships are reciprocal -- a graceful dance of give-and-take. And when I find myself feeling snubbed, neglected, or short-changed, I’ve probably stumbled into Black Hole Territory. I trust my intuition and quietly bow out.

Being authentic, after all, is a key requirement for true friendship. Being authentic means that we own who we are -- and that we've finally stopped trying to adapt to what others expect of us. It can take years to arrive at that confident place. Meanwhile, it's liberating to give up the notion that everyone has to uphold our political views or religious beliefs. It's a relief to know that even our closest friends and colleagues won't always share our taste in books, movies, food, or fashion.

As Winston Churchill once said, "Having critics or enemies means that you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."  In other words, there's no shame in the fact that some people we meet simply aren't going to like us. As long as we remain civil and kind, we're entitled to privately reciprocate the feeling.

Parts of this essay are excerpted from an essay in Cindy La Ferle's award-winning essay collection, Writing Home. It is reprinted with the author's permission. Visit Cindy La Ferle's Life Lines: www.laferle.com

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Question

Hi,

About two years ago I had so many friends, mostly from my last job. But then, hundreds of us got laid off/fired. Only a handful of folks kept their jobs. It was a wonderful company and I miss seeing my friends each day.

Although I try to keep in touch, none of them seem to miss me (I miss them all terribly) or even want to get together. They’ve all moved on, got other jobs, or relocated.

Also, two long-time friends got married and are no longer interested in hanging out with me.  

I’m 52 and embarrassed that I’m friendless. Yikes!

Signed, Becca

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Answer

Hi Becca,

Indeed, workplaces can offer a perfect opportunity to bond with co-workers and even make lifelong friends. All those hours spent together, working consistently toward a common goal paves the way for friendships. 

But it’s not always so easy when businesses shift and undergo massive changes, especially in the years following the pandemic. When they do, it can create chaos for those who are laid off as well as for those who are left behind. 

One possibility for the loss of friends? Many people may have residual hard feelings about the downsizing and may not want to associate with their former colleagues. Instead, they want to relegate unpleasant memories in the past, where they think they belong.

You also mention that many of your former friends have had significant changes in their own lives since they left, including new jobs, new marriages, and new homes. Changes like these can be disruptive to friendships although they aren’t necessarily deal-killers. 

It sounds like you’re used to making many of your social connections at your job, which is understandable, given the amount of time spent there.

Now your situation has changed and you realize you want more friends than you currently have. How about finding new ways to meet new people—whether it is at another place of employment, in your neighborhood, or as part of some other organization?  

Do things that are interesting to you, and maybe you’ll likely find some kindred spirits. As you learned in your last job, seeing people daily makes it easier and gives you a common bond. 

Now that the dust has settled, you may want to resurrect some of these old work friendships. Time can dull sharp edges and people may now be on better footing and more open to reconnecting. 

For example, try reaching out to friends with whom you felt close to who got married or moved to another town. You may not have the same type of friendship that you had when you saw them every day, but you can develop a different type of friendship. Your shared history and experiences can make reconnecting that much sweeter, and give you an opportunity to create a friendship not built strictly around work.

Most importantly, please don’t feel embarrassed about having no friends!

It happens more often than you think. Life changes, and with that, so do friendships. It’s not personal, it’s situational, we promise.

Feeling that way can create a tremendous psychological barrier that prevents you from reaching out to others. Remind yourself that many people in the same situation want to find friends as much as you do.

Hope this helps.

In friendship,

Irene & Sheryl

The school year usually begins with excitement: new pencils, new books, new friends, and reconnecting with old ones. But when your child is being bullied, it can cause serious concerns for parents. Addressing the problem may entail working with school personnel.

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Rules,

My 10-year-old daughter has been having a lot of trouble with friendships recently. 

Some of the problems are caused by “boy drama,” and the "He said, She said" game. Kids have been spreading rumors about her, and I just don't know what to do. 

I’ve tried many times to give my daughter suggestions about how to deal with the rumors. I’ve also spoken to other moms about their children's behavior, but that has only made matters worse.

I’m feeling so frustrated that I’m considering getting permission from her principal to change schools within the district, although I really don't want to do this. These kids have all grown up together, and I recognize that they are going to grow apart, but it’s hard to understand the cruelty.

Signed,

Concerned Mom

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ANSWER

Dear Concerned Mom,

Changing schools can be very uprooting academically and socially, so that should be a last resort. Hopefully, the school will be able to help you and your daughter resolve this situation. 

Childhood friendships can be fickle and kids can be hard on one another. That said, if these rumors are persistent, your daughter is being bullied. This must be painful for you and her and is clearly unacceptable. It isn’t something that can be ignored or pushed under the rug.

We’re glad that your daughter has confided in you and told you about this. If your prior attempts to support your daughter haven't been successful, the problem may now require intervention from her school. Contact your daughter's teacher or the school principal so they know about the bullying, and can develop a strategy for addressing it.

Is your daughter feeling the effects of these rumors? Is she depressed? Anxious? Have you noticed a decline in her school performance? 

Given your concerns, it could be useful to have her see a counselor outside of school, who is experienced with children her age who are being bullied. This person could help your daughter develop and rehearse ideas about what she should say and how she should act at school with these kids.

In the meantime, keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. It’s imperative she has someone to talk to and confide in.

Additionally, it might be helpful to create opportunities for her to socialize outside of school, perhaps by taking a music, dance, art, or sports class until things calm down. This can help take the focus off the bullying while providing enrichment and an opportunity for her to meet new friends and enjoy and learn new skills, while strengthening her self-esteem.

This information on bullying from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services may have some helpful tips for you and your daughter.

In friendship,
Irene & Sheryl