Friends Got Miffed That They Weren’t Invited
Friends Got Miffed That They Weren’t Invited
You can't invite everyone all the time so sometimes feelings get hurt.
QUESTION
I’m an expat living with my husband in Italy. We’ve been blessed with a lovely group of friends from all nationalities who often include us in parties, with invitations to special events and frequent meet-ups.
Of course, we are closer to some than to others. As the seasons change, many of us are limited in space for larger gatherings. Some friends live in the countryside and have outdoor areas for entertaining, but we live in a town with a small footprint.
Last year, for American Thanksgiving, we rented a house in the countryside while having our house renovated, and I was able to host a gathering for 30+ people. However, this year, we are back in our house in town with limited space.
I thought long and hard about hosting Thanksgiving this year but decided to do it on a smaller scale and could only seat 20. Besides, many of the people have not invited my husband and me to gatherings in the last six months (or in one case, ever).
My birthday was a couple of months ago, and to include everyone, we hosted cocktail hour at a favorite cocktail bar (45+ people), but it wasn't inexpensive. I can't do that all the time.
As it turns out, those not invited this year learned of the gathering through the grapevine and are hurt they were not invited.
I feel there must be a point where invitations have to be cut off. One can't include everyone at every event.
Is there any way to gracefully entertain without hurting people's feelings when you can't include everyone? I'd love your insight.
Signed,
Jennifer
ANSWER
Hi Jennifer,
How fortunate you are to have made so many friends in Italy! You sound like someone who is good at making new friends, a skill many people would envy.
It was definitely unreasonable for those who weren’t invited NOT to understand that logistical considerations (space, financial, etc.) can be limiting when people entertain.
You can't raise the issue since those who felt hurt haven’t told you so directly. However, if you do see them at a gathering, you can certainly tell them that since you moved from your rental, space limitations have cut down on the volume of entertaining you are able to do.
You can tell them you’d love to get together with them on an individual basis or when other people are hosting a large group. They are sure to understand that not everyone has the space to entertain, and by showing your intention to get together, they’ll realize they were not excluded for any other reason.
We are sorry we can’t think of a more elegant solution; hope this is helpful!
In friendship,
Irene & Sheryl
Friendship Rule
Not every friend can be invited to every party. If they are true friends, they’ll understand that.
This is interesting, as I have never had more friends than space. People are going to get their feelings hurt if not invited, and rightly so. I was going to suggest some kind of lottery for attendees, but that's kind of ridiculous. Please note, this is a similar problem as weddings -- they're expensive, you can't invite everyone, someone gets left out, and the hurt feelings can reverberate for a lifetime, affecting everyone.
This is a good, thoughtful question. I struggle with this too, sometimes. It's impossible to invite every friend you have to a party or gathering (especially costly ones, such as the parties mentioned here). This might seem unfair, to some, but I tend to invite the people who've hosted me in the past. I know that "reciprocation" isn't expected as much as it used to be, but when it comes time to invite friends to a party or over for dinner, I first consider the ones who've included me in the past.