Hot And Cold Friendships

A young woman is upset by an unpredictable, hot and cold friendship that doesn’t feel satisfying.

A young woman is upset by an unpredictable, hot and cold friendship that doesn’t feel satisfying.

Pixabay

QUESTION

I have a hot and cold friendship with someone I met a couple of years ago during my second year as a university student. It feels like an ambivalent friendship.

She is an overly empathetic person, an emotional sponge who soaks in the moods of people around her. As an emotional person, I understand her feelings and read her like a book. That’s probably why we are friends.

She always says I’m her real friend even though she is a social butterfly. I think she feels a special emotional connection with me.

As time has passed, however, I’ve noticed she acts increasingly annoyed with me. She told me that right to my face. She admitted that this pattern of being hot and cold with friends is something that has happened before. She alludes to some traumatic event in her past that she hasn’t shared with me. And somehow, now she is cold to me.

She said she knows that she is at fault—and it’s not her friends. I realized that although she has a lot of friends, she doesn’t have close ones. Once a friendship starts to go deeper, she tends to push it away like she is now doing to me. 

Honestly, I feel really attached to her, because she reminds me of how I once was. I don’t feel like I can abandon her because I know she really craves a close emotional bond with a friend. 

But I’m questioning if I should keep this hot and cold friendship and if so, how can I cope with it?

Signed,

Dora

ANSWER

It can be unsettling when when friends are unpredictable and start distancing themselves from you after being close.

You said that your friend has experienced some trauma in her past and this may be one of the reasons why she is unable to forge close and trusting relationships with friends. 

If this is the case and she has had a pattern of her friendships running hot and cold, she would probably benefit from speaking to a mental health professional. Unfortunately, friends—even very good ones who are well-intended—can’t be therapists and analyze or solve long-standing emotional problems.

In terms of the viability of your friendship, you have now known this friend for a couple of years and sort of know what to expect from her, which is unpredictability and disappointment.

Close friendships need to be reciprocal. If friendships are to be intimate in terms of sharing trust and emotions, they can’t be one-sided or unpredictable.

It sounds like you desperately want to have a close friendship with your hot and cold friend but we aren’t sure you can count on her for that. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on her for closeness and she just can’t deliver. She may be satisfied with more casual friendships.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with a hot and cold friendship:

• Ambivalent friendships can be very stressful and unsatisfying. You don’t have to end the friendship, per se, but for your own sake, you can change it. 

• Back off a bit. Remain friends but lower your expectations of closeness so you aren’t disappointed. You might still see each other and pursue shared interests you both enjoy. 

• Be kind and supportive, and explain why you’re stepping back. Avoid blaming your friend for disappointing you. She’s probably doing the best she can. 

• At the same time, nurture friendships with people who are ready and able to be close. But bear in mind that intimate friendships aren’t instantaneous. It always takes time for a casual friendship to develop into a close one.

Hope this helps.

In friendship,
Irene & Sheryl

Friendship Rule

When friendships are hot and cold, they can be unsettling and unsatisfying. Since you can’t change someone else, you may need to change your expectations.