"Black Hole" Friendships: Are They Worth the Angst?
Journalist and author Cindy La Ferle writes about "black hole" relationships and how to make sense of them.
When my son was a child, I often volunteered to help at his small parochial school. I supervised Valentine's Day parties, carpooled for field trips, wiped sticky cafeteria tables, and baked countless batches of cookies and cupcakes for fundraisers. In the process, I formed some warm and lasting friendships with the other volunteer moms. Except for one.
There was one mom who just didn't like me -- a mom who had a knack for making me feel like a social outcast fromĀ Mean Girls. Even when I tried to extend my hand in friendship, she was as chilly as the Eskimo Pies we handed out to the third graders on Ice Cream Day. Had I known what I'd done to offend her, I would have apologized. Whatever it was, my transgression remains a mystery.
Even if youāve never been a homeroom mom, you know exactly I mean. Youāve probably got your own social nemesis.
The woman who doesnāt like you might be the tetchy neighbor who criticizes your perennial beds or the paint color you chose for the front door.Ā She might be the toxic relative who snubs you at family barbecues. Or maybe sheās the competitive co-worker who canāt bring herself to pay a compliment on your new haircut or congratulate you on a hard-won promotion.
No matter what you say or do, youāll never win these people over. Even when youāre as sweet as key lime pie, theyāll refuse to sit at the table of your friendship. Sue Patton Thoele, calls them āthe black holesā in our personal universe.
Thoele is the author of a book of essays I keep at my bedside, TheĀ Womanās Book of Soul: Meditations for Courage, Independence & SpiritĀ (Conari Press). In one of the essays, Thoele recalls an awkward time when she wasnāt hitting it off with two women in her own social circle.
āThe energy I put out to these women was merely absorbed as if it had disappeared into a black hole and none came back to me,ā she explains. A psychotherapist, Thoele understood that the qualities we find annoying in others are often the same ones we unconsciously dislike in ourselves. But in this case, it wasn't even that complicated. The cold-shouldered women in the author's circle were simply lousy candidates for her friendship.
When I was a lot younger, I'd spend months trying to figure out why some relationships fly while others canāt seem to get off the ground. I struggled to understand why a simple case of envy can boil over until it scalds and destroys what could have become a mutually supportive friendship.
And Iām still in awe of the fact that most men, like my husband, rarely waste time wondering why some people donāt like them. They shake hands and move on. But many women I know tend to lose sleep devising ways to appease or impress folks who neednāt count so much. Some of us work twice as hard to avoid conflict and maintain the status quo, often at our own expense.
I realize now that healthy relationships are reciprocal -- a graceful dance of give-and-take. And when I find myself feeling snubbed, neglected, or short-changed, Iāve probably stumbled into Black Hole Territory. I trust my intuition and quietly bow out.
Being authentic, after all, is a key requirement for true friendship. Being authentic means that we own who we are -- and that we've finally stopped trying to adapt to what others expect of us. It can take years to arrive at that confident place. Meanwhile, it's liberating to give up the notion that everyone has to uphold our political views or religious beliefs. It's a relief to know that even our closest friends and colleagues won't always share our taste in books, movies, food, or fashion.
As Winston Churchill once said, "Having critics or enemies means that you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."Ā Ā In other words,Ā there's no shame in the fact that some people we meet simply aren't going to like us. As long as we remain civil and kind, we're entitled to privately reciprocate the feeling.
Parts of this essay are excerpted from an essay in Cindy La Ferle's award-winning essay collection, Writing Home. It is reprinted with the author's permission. Visit Cindy La Ferle's Life Lines: www.laferle.com
Friendship Rule
Black hole friendships are inherently unsatisfying.
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If we are all honest, we ourselves have allll met people that we just. Dont. Like.
There is a gal at work. No idea why, but I just dont like her. I've almost never spoken to her; almost never heard her speak. She just gives off vibes that I dont want to be a part of. I trust my instincts and just stay away from her.
I think the reason some people latch onto bad/ toxic/ junk food friends is heavily influenced by how demoralizing their environment is.
When Iām emotionally satisfied I donāt crave energy that isnāt fulfilling. Think of it like chasing an unfulfilling job for the title bump vs when you actually have something healthy.
Dynamics change with age... if anything despite how often we hear āpeople donāt changeā change is actually inevitable. We notice it first amidst certain milestone and cross roads like when friends choose to have children or donāt or when others are promoted into more technically demanding jobs. We actually do change based on what our environment demands and conditions in us. We just donāt always notice it and itās here where āthe fish doesnāt see the waterā.
I really enjoyed this piece. It made me reach out to a few connections I lost touch with. Thank you š