A reader sent us this thoughtful response. This topic has obviously hit a lot of nerves, and we are glad it is out of the shadows!
Asking for separate checks should never be a reason for tarnishing a friendship. After one experience of sharing a check, where our friends ordered and drank a bottle of wine themselves, each ordered appetizers and desserts, which we did not, we decided never again. They insisted we split the bill. We did, but the other couple never offered to pay their share or what was fair. We now, request at the beginning of the meal, separate checks. If our
friends don’t like it, they don’t say. I think, if people are ordering much more than you, especially with alcohol, they should be the ones who should be fair and not mind having separate checks. Certainly, if you’re splitting the check, you should be considerate and give what would be your fair share.
So there’s never a problem, we just ask for separate checks.
As a retired govt employee who often traveled with colleagues for work, this issue came up frequently.
Some of us were on per diem, meaning, we received a small amount of reimbursement for our meals. Others were paying out of pocket. Those on per diem felt pressured to pay for others' meals, even though the amount wasn't enough to do so. There were also mental calculations of who was better off financially, who had young children, who just bought a house, and who was struggling.
It was very uncomfortable.
So, I solved this problem immediately by announcing we'd all have separate checks. Every meal out, I stated it upfront, often just informing the waiter/waitress when seated. After a while, it became the norm and we all knew we'd each be paying for what we ate (and drank).
The woman who wrote should know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for separate checks. In fact, I think it is a basic courtesy to do so. Perhaps the friend who took offense was feeling defensive, knowing her husband's expensive drinks were a problem. In fact, I hope she compared the final bills to make her point (in a nice way, of course)!
Thanks for posting this interesting topic. I've been reading more about the "check splitting" issue lately. There was a time, back in the day, when it was considered rude to ask for separate checks when you were dining out with others. But in my view -- at least where I live -- this is no longer the case. It is now VERY common practice to ask for separate checks when dining with others.
I dine out often in a variety of restaurants with groups of girlfriends. Likewise, my husband and I often have dinner in restaurants with other couples. It is common practice -- totally common -- to ask for separate checks (unless we're treating someone for a special occasion/birthday dinner). Nobody EVER has a problem with separate checks in any of our social circles. Everyone we dine with almost always asks the servers for separate checks -- before anyone orders anything.
Separate checks make things so much easier, in my view. We have, for example, a couple of friends who don't drink alcohol, nor do they usually want appetizers or dessert. We have other friends who order very expensive cocktails in multiple, so it makes sense that they shouldn't expect others who don't drink to pay for them. If someone at the table wants extra drinks or whatever, they can freely order them and not worry that they are making others pay for them. I think that's fair, and simply a matter of common sense. All said and done, basic etiquette means we do things to respect others and make them comfortable.
A reader sent us this thoughtful response. This topic has obviously hit a lot of nerves, and we are glad it is out of the shadows!
Asking for separate checks should never be a reason for tarnishing a friendship. After one experience of sharing a check, where our friends ordered and drank a bottle of wine themselves, each ordered appetizers and desserts, which we did not, we decided never again. They insisted we split the bill. We did, but the other couple never offered to pay their share or what was fair. We now, request at the beginning of the meal, separate checks. If our
friends don’t like it, they don’t say. I think, if people are ordering much more than you, especially with alcohol, they should be the ones who should be fair and not mind having separate checks. Certainly, if you’re splitting the check, you should be considerate and give what would be your fair share.
So there’s never a problem, we just ask for separate checks.
I refuse to subsidize other people’s drinks. Luckily, my friends and I tend to request separate checks
As a retired govt employee who often traveled with colleagues for work, this issue came up frequently.
Some of us were on per diem, meaning, we received a small amount of reimbursement for our meals. Others were paying out of pocket. Those on per diem felt pressured to pay for others' meals, even though the amount wasn't enough to do so. There were also mental calculations of who was better off financially, who had young children, who just bought a house, and who was struggling.
It was very uncomfortable.
So, I solved this problem immediately by announcing we'd all have separate checks. Every meal out, I stated it upfront, often just informing the waiter/waitress when seated. After a while, it became the norm and we all knew we'd each be paying for what we ate (and drank).
The woman who wrote should know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for separate checks. In fact, I think it is a basic courtesy to do so. Perhaps the friend who took offense was feeling defensive, knowing her husband's expensive drinks were a problem. In fact, I hope she compared the final bills to make her point (in a nice way, of course)!
Thanks for posting this interesting topic. I've been reading more about the "check splitting" issue lately. There was a time, back in the day, when it was considered rude to ask for separate checks when you were dining out with others. But in my view -- at least where I live -- this is no longer the case. It is now VERY common practice to ask for separate checks when dining with others.
I dine out often in a variety of restaurants with groups of girlfriends. Likewise, my husband and I often have dinner in restaurants with other couples. It is common practice -- totally common -- to ask for separate checks (unless we're treating someone for a special occasion/birthday dinner). Nobody EVER has a problem with separate checks in any of our social circles. Everyone we dine with almost always asks the servers for separate checks -- before anyone orders anything.
Separate checks make things so much easier, in my view. We have, for example, a couple of friends who don't drink alcohol, nor do they usually want appetizers or dessert. We have other friends who order very expensive cocktails in multiple, so it makes sense that they shouldn't expect others who don't drink to pay for them. If someone at the table wants extra drinks or whatever, they can freely order them and not worry that they are making others pay for them. I think that's fair, and simply a matter of common sense. All said and done, basic etiquette means we do things to respect others and make them comfortable.