My daughter had a teammate in college try to get her kicked off the team and out of school by spreading lies about her. She tried to turn her teammates, friends and coach against her. It did not work completely and she thought it had fizzled out over the summer and it sorta of did. All but 1 of the girls were no longer on the team or at the school. She got really close with another teammate who was roommates with the 1 girl who was left at the school. She recently told her that the bully would talk shit about my daughter all the time. Her friend would often go hang out or do things with the bully (who also tried to get her kicked off the team as well the year before) and my daughter confronted her about it. The friend got defensive and said she wouldn't be rude to her roommate. My daughter told her she didn't expect her to to be rude to her, but by hanging out (like getting coffee, shopping, driving around) with this bully, she is showing her that she doesn't care how she treats her or her friends. You can politely decline invitations to hang out without being rude. But she doesn't understand that concept so my daughter has simply backed away from the friendship and now the friend and the bully are "best friends" It sucks to find out what others are ok with and who they choose when you back away and let them make the choice, but it is better than having them around and not trusting them. A real friend would not be ok with someone hurting you. They would not continue a friendship with someone who has hurt you just because they were not hurt by the actions. They would not be ok with how they treat people because it shows HOW THEY TREAT PEOPLE. I think your friends should back away from you if you can't part ways with someone who has hurt them so that you can keep your friends, if that is what you call them.
I tend to distance myself from people who befriend people who have betrayed me. To me that’s not loyalty. I will keep it cordial, but I will not trust the person who befriends someone knowing what they did.
This is such a great question. I wish it had a simple answer. I think you provided some context in which to think through the possibilities, including the #1 consideration, what exactly is the nature of the rift? Is it disloyal to be friends with someone stole your friend's boyfriend in high school? Not at all. Is it disloyal to be friends with someone who attacked your friend physically? Yes, definitely. The black and white choices are easy -- it's the gray ones I wonder about.
My daughter had a teammate in college try to get her kicked off the team and out of school by spreading lies about her. She tried to turn her teammates, friends and coach against her. It did not work completely and she thought it had fizzled out over the summer and it sorta of did. All but 1 of the girls were no longer on the team or at the school. She got really close with another teammate who was roommates with the 1 girl who was left at the school. She recently told her that the bully would talk shit about my daughter all the time. Her friend would often go hang out or do things with the bully (who also tried to get her kicked off the team as well the year before) and my daughter confronted her about it. The friend got defensive and said she wouldn't be rude to her roommate. My daughter told her she didn't expect her to to be rude to her, but by hanging out (like getting coffee, shopping, driving around) with this bully, she is showing her that she doesn't care how she treats her or her friends. You can politely decline invitations to hang out without being rude. But she doesn't understand that concept so my daughter has simply backed away from the friendship and now the friend and the bully are "best friends" It sucks to find out what others are ok with and who they choose when you back away and let them make the choice, but it is better than having them around and not trusting them. A real friend would not be ok with someone hurting you. They would not continue a friendship with someone who has hurt you just because they were not hurt by the actions. They would not be ok with how they treat people because it shows HOW THEY TREAT PEOPLE. I think your friends should back away from you if you can't part ways with someone who has hurt them so that you can keep your friends, if that is what you call them.
I tend to distance myself from people who befriend people who have betrayed me. To me that’s not loyalty. I will keep it cordial, but I will not trust the person who befriends someone knowing what they did.
This is such a great question. I wish it had a simple answer. I think you provided some context in which to think through the possibilities, including the #1 consideration, what exactly is the nature of the rift? Is it disloyal to be friends with someone stole your friend's boyfriend in high school? Not at all. Is it disloyal to be friends with someone who attacked your friend physically? Yes, definitely. The black and white choices are easy -- it's the gray ones I wonder about.