My Friend Never Invites Us To Her Home
One friend in a group always leaves the burden of hosting to others.
Question
Our friend group consists of five women in our 40s. We all have kids. Three of us are married, and two are divorced. We live in the same neighborhood in similarly styled homes and get together at least once a month. We try to fit it in weekend get-togethers when our single moms are available.
The problem is when we plan these gatherings one of the single/divorced friends never takes her turn to either initiate something or host us at her house. Instead, I basically have to sequester my family to the top floor of our home so I can host my friends, while her house regularly sits empty 50% of the time.
The rest of us are perplexed and growing frustrated that we are always hosting and she shows up expecting to always be the guest, rarely bringing wine or anything for the hostess except her thirst for whatever we’re serving.
We like Meg and do enjoy her company but she is not contributing much to this social circle. Should we ask her directly about this or just stop inviting her?
Signed,
Confused Claudia
Answer
How fortunate you are to have a nice group of friends who live nearby and enjoy each other’s company.
Not knowing Meg, we can only venture to guess why she never plays host:
1) Could she be embarrassed of her home? Perhaps, it isn’t as “put together” as others.
2). Some people do not feel comfortable having others in their homes; maybe she feels insecure or anxious as a hostess.
3) She could be short on funds and not really able to afford hosting one of these get-togethers. (That could explain her coming empty-handed to your gatherings.)
4) Or she might feel that others have taken on the responsibility because they enjoy hosting, and not even be aware that she’s letting someone else down. Being a single/divorced mom has its challenges. It’s possible that she feels overwhelmed by her day-to-day responsibilities and feels like others are better able to take on the task.
Since you all enjoy her company and she enjoys yours, why leave her out of the group? (Ask yourself how you’d feel if you saw her around the neighborhood afterward…it could be very awkward.)
If it bothers you that she is shirking her responsibilities while you are sequestering your family, perhaps consider sharing your feelings (in private) and ask her if she could host next time so your family can have the house to themselves.
One thing that could make her more amenable would be if you all offered to bring drinks and food to lift the burden off for her. Actually, it might not be a bad idea going forward to ask each guest to bring something, and make it more of a “potluck” than a job for one person.
Hope this helps.
In friendship, Irene & Sheryl
Friendship Rule
If a friend disappoints you, try to propose a simple solution.
Your friend is probably a hoarder. Case closed.
I think we all have a friend or two who doesn't host/reciprocate. There are a number of reasons, some valid, but one solution is to start meeting in public places for coffee, happy hour, lunch or dinner. That way, everyone pays for herself, and nobody has to clean the house before and after, or wash dishes and glasses afterward.
Having a potluck is a great idea too -- but it still means that the homeowner has to clean and provide set-ups for the food, etc.