QUESTION
I have a tough one. My friend of 15 years has helped me through many hard times in my life.
I was living with her, which was a bad idea. When we lived together, we spent so much time together that I saw behind the curtains. She is a very generous and fun friend, but I noticed she was steamrolling me in many ways, making decisions for me and not giving me a way out. It was her way or the highway.
I felt guilty for her generosity and overwhelmed by the weight of her friendship.
I went overseas for a month or so and while I was away I realized how much it wasn't working between us. So I told her I would be moving out to move in with my boyfriend, something she told me before I left for my trip was 'too soon'. There was a lot of other life stuff going on for her at that time, it didn't go down very well.
When I got back we tried to reconcile our friendship, I tried to explain that I needed boundaries. She didn't seem to catch it and now over a year later, our friendship is in a very strange place.
I'm wondering what I can do to continue our friendship more naturally. I don't expect to be best friends again. I would like it to be more normal than before. I know that she is probably hurt by the way I treated her and has her guard up, but I don't want to give up on a friend that I still love so much.
Thanks a lot,
Linda
ANSWER
Hi Linda,
Friendships, even very good ones, often change over time as people grow and have different life experiences.
You are probably a different person now than when you were besties with this friend. And because you appreciated her generosity and enjoyed her company, you may have been more tolerant of her dominating personality than you would be today.
Most people with domineering personalities don’t have insight into how they come across to others. Even though you asked to reset the “boundaries” of the friendship, she likely had a hard time understanding precisely what you meant unless you were very explicit with examples.
Also, your friend may have felt “dumped” because the decision to end the roommate situation was one-sided and she may not have seen it coming.
Since time has elapsed, it wouldn’t be worthwhile to go back and undo all that has happened between you in the past.
However, if you miss this friendship, there’s nothing wrong with telling your friend that you hope you can be friends again, and that you never intended to hurt her feelings. Ask to get together for a meal or activity and see how she responds.
It’s possible that while you are a different person today, her personality hasn’t changed all that much, so be vigilant that you don’t feel “steamrolled” again and can rekindle this friendship on terms that feel mutually satisfying.
There’s no need to apologize or make excuses. Remember, you have every right to your opinions and feelings. If you let her know how much you value the friendship and how much you care about her while being firm but also kind, chances are she will come around to understand your needs, too.
In friendship,
Sheryl & Irene
Friendship Rule
Friendships, even very good ones, often change over time as people grow and have different life experiences.
My comment is based on my own life experience of feeling taken advantage of by friends. IMO, Linda should acknowledge the huge debt of gratitude she owes her friend. She mentions the friend helping her for years, including letting her live with her, even while she (the friend) was going through many issues of her own. Perhaps Linda should invite the friend for a nice dinner (her treat), present her with a bouquet of flowers and a small gift, and express her appreciation for all the friend did for her over the course of those years.